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Generated Title: Verizon's Hiring a PayPal Guy? Oh, This Can't End WellAlright, so Verizo... Generated Title: Verizon's Hiring a PayPal Guy? Oh, This Can't End Well
Alright, so Verizon's bringing in Franz Paasche as their new EVP of Corporate Affairs. Fine. Whatever. But here's the kicker: this dude's a PayPal alum. And not just any alum, but one who apparently played a "pivotal role" in defining PayPal's "mission and values" according to Verizon CEO Dan Schulman. Franz Paasche joins Verizon as Executive Vice President, Corporate Affairs Schulman, also a PayPal guy.
You smell that? That's the stench of corporate synergy, folks. And it usually smells like something died in the back of the fridge.
The PayPal Mafia Takes Manhattan
Look, I get it. Execs like to hire people they know and trust. It's human nature, I guess. But let's be real: PayPal? A company that's practically synonymous with hidden fees, account freezes, and customer service that makes you want to scream into a pillow? Are we really supposed to believe that's the model Verizon wants to emulate?
It's like hiring the captain of the Titanic to teach a course on naval safety.
And this isn't just some mid-level appointment. Paasche's going to be in charge of everything corporate affairs-related: global communications, responsible business (whatever that is), and public policy. Three entire teams are going to report to this guy. Three teams that, if you read between the lines of Schulman's memo, are apparently underperforming. Because, you know, "we need to rethink how we show up with our customers and compete in the market.”
Translation: "Our current PR is garbage, and we need someone to spin it better."
But wait, there's more! Before his PayPal days, Paasche had a brief, shall we say, turbulent stint at Columbia University. Nine months as EVP before stepping down amid "pressure from the Trump administration" and campus protests. Now, I ain't saying the guy's a jinx, but... maybe avoid universities for a while? Just a thought.
Smoke and Mirrors: The "Stakeholder Engagement" Charade
The word "stakeholder" makes my eye twitch. Schulman keeps banging on about "elevating our stakeholder engagement and connecting our value proposition and our purpose to the people and communities who count on us — employees, customers, partners, policymakers and society."
Okay, Nate, deep breaths.
That's a whole lotta corporate buzzwords mashed together into one giant word salad. What does it even mean? Are they planning on sending personalized greeting cards to every customer? Are they gonna start offering free data plans to Congress?
And what "purpose" are we talking about here? Is it providing reliable internet service? Because last time I checked, my Verizon bill was still sky-high, and my 5G signal was still cutting out every time I walked past a tall building.
Maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe Paasche is some kind of PR genius who can turn Verizon into a shining beacon of corporate responsibility. But forgive me for being skeptical. I've seen this movie before, and it usually ends with the customer getting screwed.
Or maybe I'm just jealous I didn't get the job. Offcourse, I'm not nearly slimy enough.
So, What's the Real Story?
It's the same old song and dance: hire a guy from your old company, give him a fancy title, and promise the moon to the shareholders. Meanwhile, the rest of us are stuck paying inflated prices for mediocre service. Color me unimpressed.